i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
