WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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