I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
