i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
