ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
