your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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