You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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