Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
