Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
