Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
