You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
