She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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