Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
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he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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