I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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