How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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