When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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