I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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