You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
