cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
why is half of my head shaved?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
