Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
