she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
