He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
