with your own penis?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
