she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
