I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
