Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
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Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
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There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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