I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
