Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
