thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
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We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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