I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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