help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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