I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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