My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
