Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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