Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
