True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
