He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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