you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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