Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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