So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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