nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
May the power of my ass compel you!!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
