i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
