when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
