i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
