I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
