At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
