Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
