hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
