i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
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You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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