I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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