I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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