She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
