i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
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I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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