I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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