My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
