The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
